as humans, we have this insane ability to choose our destiny.

some of us go through some really terrible shit, stuff that those ridiculous lifetime movies are made of. things that have the power to literally break your soul. unexpected death. extreme loss. utter isolation. disease + sickness. heartbreak. complete lack of respect + so much more I’m surely leaving out. as opposite spectrum all of these things are, they are all torrential to the person they’re happening to. if you’ve gone through some tough shit in your life, you understand these words all too well.

what comes from such experience is totally + completely up to you.

you can (and should) want to curl up in a ball, forget that life is even real + wish you could wake up from this awful nightmare. that’s totally normal. in fact, I feel like it’s a human right to want to just disappear from earth for a while when life throws those kinds of curveballs.

I’m going to give a little (okay, a lot) of TMI here because well, I’ve decided it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to tell the truth + not be ashamed of it. my words might help just ONE PERSON live a fuller life + that right there has become a big giant purpose of mine this last year of life I’ve lived through.

my engagement in 2016 ended because of adultery.

I wish it were just that easy to explain, but you see, it’s not. he didn’t just make a one-time mistake, but he actually lived a double life an entire year. 336 days to be exact. he lied about it for that long. he led me to believe he was a respectful, trustworthy man that cared for me + my wellbeing. he let me think that despite his setback of not wanting to commit to me forever, that we really did have a future together. he let me spend a year of my life trying to help him, trying to get him to see just how wonderful our life could be together.

he cancelled our wedding in July 2016 because he chose to pursue a relationship with another woman. he let it happen, all while simultaneously choosing to move forward with me. he came clean about it three months after I made the decision that our relationship was over + gone for good because something just didn’t feel right to me. clearly my intuition is sharp. slow as shit….yes, but sharp nonetheless.

when I found out the truth, I saw red inside. who wouldn’t? I could literally feel my insides rotting out. being deliberately deceived for an entire year is almost unfathomable. I wanted to curl up in a ball, scream + shout profanities, bash windows in + basically turn into a human tasmanian devil. instead of reacting in a way that I would surely regret, I made the decision to control my actions. now, don’t get me wrong – the thoughts crossed my mind + I’m pretty sure I’ve cried enough tears to sink the titanic for the second time. I screamed (mainly in the car), I vented how I really feel about the situation to my closest (and fucking AMAZING) friends, but that’s all the farther I’m choosing to let it go.

now listen, I don’t write these words to bash anyone. my intentions are not to try to make him look bad – he’s done that on his own (but I’m not below a perfectly titled book placed perfectly in the frame of my cover photo….). my purpose is for speaking the truth is this:

we’re all human. we can’t control certain things like the weather, our natural hair color, siblings or who we love, but we can absolutely control how we behave.  I firmly believe that his karma will effect him for his actions + that MY karma is all in how I react. I’m wholeheartedly choosing to forgive, because otherwise the only one who will suffer is me. I know that this happened because there is something amazing on the horizon + someday it’ll be clear why I had to go through it all.

please please please know that your reaction to any type of shit circumstances will follow you forever. don’t ignore it, don’t play dumb. equally as important, don’t forget to actually deal with what happened + how it effected you. deal with it so that you are able to heal, move on, learn something or maybe even help someone else. don’t play with other people’s hearts. humans, men, women, or even dogs. none of them.

I read a blog recently that explains one person’s take on how to respond to people that hurt you. how best to respond when you’re put into a predicament in which you’ve been hurt, and you want the person who did the hurting to know how you feel. If you’re a living, breathing human, you will likely want them to feel remorse, pain, suffering, sorrow. well, in this blog she talks about pulling lessons from these people instead of reacting. If someone treats you badly, what is your lesson? maybe it’s that you never want to treat people the way they treated you. maybe the lesson you take is that you want to live with integrity, the opposite of how they live. the lessons will be different for everyone based on circumstance + the situation, but one thing is all the same – you have to pull out what you are going to take from EACH situation, LEARN from it + live it fully.

While some people teach you who you do want to be, others teach you who you don’t want to be. And it’s the people who teach you who you don’t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.

today marks ONE WHOLE YEAR since learning that my wedding + marriage wasn’t going to happen (not to that guy, anyway). It’s been hands down the TOUGHEST, most excruciating year of my whole 31.7 years on earth. It’s sucked, I’ve been a shitty friend, a bad business woman, I’ve let it effect my relationships with EVERYONE else in my life, I’ve let it effect my health, my mind, my creativity, my passion, JUST ABOUT everything. but today all of that comes to an end. I’ve learned that your FAMILY + friendships that stick by you when you aren’t yourself, when you can’t get your head out of the sand, or your body to do anything worthwhile, THOSE are your people. the things you do, the actions that you take that help clear your mind, THESE THINGS are your callings. I feel an overwhelming sense of closure today. I can put that shitty year to rest + LIVE again.

my lesson through all of this is that I will always do my best to act with the upmost integrity. I will always think of how my actions will effect those around me. I want to live a life of truth, loyalty + trust. I don’t want people to question any of those parts of me, ever. I want to be known as someone who can be fully trusted, with anything – holding your newborn baby, driving you across town, holding your hair back when you puke, listening to your woes – I don’t care what it is, I want to be ALL IN.

xo

DEDICATION + THANKS. this is the part where I get real sappy + name the people that have dealt with my bullshit for the last 365 days. who are we kidding….it’s been a lot longer than that.

I’ve got this badass friend that rocks everything she does (being a wife, a mother to 4 awesome babies (one in heaven + three here on earth) + much much more, well she basically threatened my life to join a gym with her. I really didn’t want to – I’d much rather sleep in, sit on my ass 14+ hours a day + speak to as little humans as I can, but she said EFF THAT + forced me to get healthy with her. we BOTH needed it. the healthy part, sure, but we needed that companionship, that interaction with like-minded people….GOODLORD am I happy she is such a forceful beast. I’ve only been at it for 8 days but it’s been the best 8-day stretch I’ve had in a while. thanks for putting that gun to my head, Lindsay.

my BFF Lisa could have easily turned me down each time I called or texted her sobbing, but she didn’t – not once. she made me come hang out with her, sometimes we polished off a bottle of wine + just cried (while simultaneously laughing, duh). sometimes we go on walks, or go on little BFF dates (like concerts that get rained out), or take a stab at gambling when we’re feeling lucky (+ wearing Abundance). she is literally the best human. I’m so lucky to have someone like her in my life forever.

karen ruth. this girl is smart. like, too smart for her own good. I knew the moment I met her that I liked her + wanted to be her friend. her sharp wit, her old-soul, her willingness to travel with me – those are just a few of her awesome traits. thank you for consistently snapping me back into place + also being there to encourage the mischief, too. you are one of a kind, girl.

I have a group of 8 girls I work with DAILY that have had to listen to my excuses as to why my shit isn’t together or my work isn’t top-notch + they have ALL given me such grace. they have helped me yell profanities + scream bad words, they’ve helped me figure out WHY things happen to us the way they do – they’ve listened, offered advice, given their LOVE to me + I am forever grateful for these badass chicks + all of their love + support. Nicole, Denise, Paige, Jenny, Gina, Kristi, Erika, Jess. I love you. dreamers + doers 4lyfe.

my AMAZING parents. my KICK-ASS sisters, my whole entire family – thank you. thanks for always being on my side.

priscilla, jessica, teena, sarah + ale, ashleigh. all of you have made my life SO much better than I deserve. thank you.

I can’t NOT mention Lola. I mean, she doesn’t really have a choice because well, she’s a dog, but she is ALWAYS there to greet me with the MOST happiness + joy + I know that she can sense when I’m bummed or when it’s gonna be a good day + she is right by my side no matter what. extra turkey for you today, girl.