well, where do I begin a blog like this one?
let’s flashback for a hot second to about 4 years ago. a breakup of 6+ years landed me in my parent’s spare bedroom, thankful for a fresh start + a supportive family, but sad at how my life had switched gears. little did I know that in the coming months, I would be headed down a path that I could have NEVER dreamt of. a path that would change my life…
I reconnected with a middle school crush, found a real, true passion that would end up allowing me to leave my 13+ year law firm career + bought a really cute home for myself. life was good. that handsome crush + I got engaged + planned a life together, I dove full time into educating people on oils + helping others do the same. then life took a dramatic turn when he called the wedding off, out of the blue + without reason just 6 weeks before it was set to happen. he claimed he didn’t want to be without me, but he didn’t want to marry me, either. with the wedding a mere 6 weeks away + with the weight of the world on my chest, I cancelled it all. no wedding for me. no marriage for us.
I fought, and fought hard to save us. I knew he loved me, and I surely loved him, because I stood by his side while he attempted to figured out why he made the conscious decision to break my heart. we had great talks, we both stepped outside our comfort zone to try + make things right again. to make things feel like they did in the beginning. a lot of effort went into trying to find a balance, and both of us played a part in that.
a little about me… I don’t give up easily. I’m a fighter. a fixer. a helper. I’m also overly talkative + I don’t like to let my feelings sit + stew. so in a nutshell, I can be hard to handle. especially if a certain someone doesn’t want to be ‘fixed’. I wasn’t ready to just let this end without knowing WHY. what did I do to make him run from committing to me? I wanted a shot at helping him figure it out. I was still in love + I needed an explaination.
I tried my best for a full 9 months. I gave it my all. I really, truly did. I don’t know what else I could have done to help him + even if there was something else, the truth is, you cannot possibly help someone that isn’t willing to help themselves. he needed to want it as badly as I wanted it + he just didn’t. simply put: his mind was elsewhere. his brain wasn’t focused on me, or us anymore.
after talking with a friend, someone whom I look up to SO VERY MUCH (not just because she’s an inch taller), it hit me. I had to give myself permission to let go. this isn’t a battle I was going to win. nor did I want to win, really, because what would I gain from winning? would I convince him to marry me? lord knows that I didn’t want that. I will beg NO ONE to do anything, ever. except maybe come over to help me paint my walls. that’s all the begging I’m capable of. I flat out refuse to beg someone to love me. I am worth so much more than that.
it ended on good terms. we have a mutual love for one another + I hope he knows just how much I loved him. how much of myself I gave to help him. he deserves really great things + I know he will get them. we just fell off course somewhere along the way. it’s okay, because it can only lead to bigger + better things for the both of us.
***edited to add: unfortunately it really wasn’t a joint effort. Brandon was living a double life, and lied to me for over a year. that’s neither here nor there, because I believe in karma, but I couldn’t continue to let people read this and think he was just simply a confused man. he was indeed intentionally hurting me, and that is his karma. I’ve chosen to forgive him for my own karma.
so here I am, walking this path alone, once again. I feel really, really good about it, too. I have more confidence than ever before. I won’t settle for anything less than fabulous, from oils, to coffee, to books, to men. I want the best + I know I will get just that because I refuse to accept anything less.